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So, funny story.

Apparently my recent bout of growth spurts has fucked up my knee even more than it previously was. Also, I can't feel my left foot very much other than this weird, buzzing tingle.

I keep forgetting my cane places, too, so I have to walk back without it so I can go somewhere with it, which is just fucking stupid at this point. I've had the dumb thing for a year and a half now. You'd think I'd be able to remember where the fuck I leave the damn thing.

I don't know. It's been a generally bad week, body-wise, one of the worst in a while. Weirdly, we've been having crazy good weather for winter. It's been in the fifties and shit in Iowa. That doesn't happen. So I've been happy, but hurting. I'm just not used to the separation in winter, I guess.

I'm just going to have a night alone with wine and Vampire Diaries (I needed a new trashy show after True Blood jumped the shark and it's on instant queue, shut up). Interaction with people would require moving, and I really don't think that's happening right now.

- Aly
I go from feeling totally fine and then I want to die because everything hurts, and then things are fine again. I don't get today. My wrist is burning right now and the arthritis is getting bad in my right hand, which is the wrist that doesn't hurt, and it comes and it goes. I can hardly type one second and I'm fine the next.

I was also wearing heels earlier. That was a fucking stupid idea.

Not much of a difference, really, since my body is fucking stupid anyway.

- Aly


Once again, Aly is an emotionally constipated bitch.

A friend of mine likes me. Again. And I have to push her away. Again.

She wants to help me, to work with me, to fucking fix me because she wants me, above everything, to be okay. I can't let another person do that. I can't. The minute I start leaning on people other than myself again I'm going to fall apart. I know that about myself, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to be the kind of person who does this to people, over and over and over again: denying them emotional closeness because I'm afraid.

But the thought makes me physically ill. I want to throw up, I'm having cold sweats, and my heart rate hasn't slowed down enough to let me sleep in eleven hours. I can't do this. I can't be close to people outside of the context of friendship. I just can't.

I don't know how to say that to her.

- Aly

I must be doing college wrong or something.

Everyone tells me college is where you make the friends that will be with you for the rest of your life. I only really like three people enough to trust them, let alone to hold them close. One of them gets that. Most of the time.

But the people who I hold closest and dearest to my heart are plentiful elsewhere, dotted through the Midwest like some kind of crazy connect the dots that I don't have time to play. There are three people out there who, for some no-good reason, love me so much it's crazy, and I have no idea how to handle that. I miss them so much it's stupid.

It's beautiful and terrifying to know just how much you're loved, I think, but I'm primarily scared at this point in my life. I wonder if that will ever change.

- Aly
This girl.

So now I have the pain medication I just kicked and the drugs I kicked three years ago staring at me from my closet.

And a refill on my as-needed super-duper pain medication.

And arthritis that's acting up, the shakes just thinking about all this shit, a cramp in the hip and a sore and weirdly tingling leg from driving, a sore back, stiff neck and a lot of extra hurt.

If I make it through the night without taking any of that shit, I deserve a medal. Or a nice and thorough back massage. Alas, but the universe is never so kind.

- Aly
I'm out of the woods as far as withdrawal goes; the physical stuff is mostly gone at the three week mark, thought having the flu and then a sinus infection didn't help matters much. I am recovering, albeit slowly, and now I'm at the point where it's headaches and everything hurting too much.

The bottle of pills is still half full and stuffed in the back of my wardrobe, though, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit I find myself staring there, once in a while.

This sucks, but I'm going home to see the best friend today, which can only be good. I also got most of the homework for the weekend done and slept in today, so I don't feel like complete shit in preparation for a five hour drive.

- Aly

Day Six

I'm done with this shit. I'm tired and hurt everywhere and someone I considered to be my best friend just said he liked me. I kissed him to make a point that it wouldn't work, and it didn't for me. It did for him.

I now have the flu on top of withdrawal.

I can't deal with anything right now. I'm just done, but I can't sleep. I'm afraid to sleep.

So done.

- Aly

Day Three

The day wasn't awful-- pain, yes, and severe cramping in my hands, as well as severe hot flashes an the chills-- until a half an hour ago. Then I got even worse creaking cramps in my hands, shooting pain up my arms, and I started to shake. I can barely type this.

The shit's started, ya'll, and I don't think I'm ready. I'm eating popcorn, snuggling under my blanket and watching my favorite Top Gear episode until I pass out.

- Aly

Day Two

I think I'm going to keep an, albeit brief, record of withdrawal here. Why? Because I can't talk about it in the real world without sounding like a fucking drug addict. Which, you know, I am, but I don't like talking about it face-to-face with people. I tend to cry.

So far on day two we have the random pains in my usually good spots, such as my right hip, attached to my good leg, and right shoulder, also known as the good one. So, that's kinda weird.

Tomorrow is when this gets fun, ya'll.

Kill me.

- Aly
This is going to suck majorly nasty things, but I can't do this anymore.

- Aly

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February 2012


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